Dave Williams and Ben Riley prove once and for all that being a bit Welsh, over 6ft tall and 18st is the ideal configuration for a golfer. Read more ...
Humour
2010 Riley Cup Selection Process
This is a video reconstruction of the selection process for the 2010 Riley Cup teams. The captains are Stuart Winky Ware and Daniel Monkey Stevens. Riley Media is the author of this motion picture for purposes of the Berne Convention and all national laws giving effect thereto. The characters and events depicted in this photoplay are fictitious. Any similarity to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
Juggalo's New Caddy
Cause Of Death
Verne was teeing off from the men's tee at the same time as his wife was teeing up on the ladies tee directly in front of him. He absolutely nailed it and hit her square on the temple, killing her instantly. A few days later, Verne got a call from the coroner regarding her autopsy:
"Verne, your wife seems to have died from blunt force trauma" said the Coroner. "You said you hit a golf ball and it hit her in the head, is that correct?"
"Yes sir, that is correct" replied Verne.
"Well, somewhat inexplicably, I found another golf ball wedged up her backside."
"Was it a Titleist Three?"
"Yes, it was. How did you know?"
"That was my provisional."
Priorities
Buttercups
Towards the end of his round, Bob sliced his ball in to the woods and found it nestled in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. In trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing the head off just about every buttercup in the patch. All of a sudden, in a puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared from nowhere.
"I'm Mother Nature!" she said. "Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you will not have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life. Better still, you will not have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. In fact, you will never have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!"
Then, with another puff of smoke, she was gone. As Bob recovered from the shock, he called out to his friend, "Fred, where are you?"
Fred yelled back "I'm over here, in the pussy willows."
Bob immediately screamed "Don't swing Fred. For the love of God, DON'T SWING!"
What's In A Name
A man went to a party one evening and after checking out all the well-dressed guests, he spotted a very attractive woman standing alone across the room. He approached her and asked her name.
"Carmen", she replied, demurely.
Desperately trying to fire up a conversation, the man responded "That's beautiful, is it a family name?"
"No," she said, "I gave it to myself because it reflects the two things I like most in life - cars and men." The she asked, "So what's your name?"
"Golftits!"
The Golfing Nun
A nun walks into her Mother Superior's office and slumps down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
"What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."
"It was," sighed the Sister. "I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."
"Yes, I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"
"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"
"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"
"Well, we were on the fifth tee and this hole is a monster 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green. I hit the drive of my life. I absolutely creamed it, the sweetest swing I ever made. So it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!"
"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother Superior. "How unfortunate, but surely that didn't make you blasphemous, Sister!"
"No, that wasn't it," admitted the Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"
"Oh, that would have made even me blaspheme!" said the Mother Superior.
"But that wasn't it either!" sobbed the Sister. "I was so proud of myself and while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky, grabs the squirrel and flies off with my ball still clutched in his paws!"
"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.
"Nope, not then either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel struggled and the hawk dropped him, right there on the green, the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said:
"You missed the f#*king putt, didn't you?"
Quotable quotes
Here are some golfing quotes from various well-known, and lesser-known, individuals:
Golf is a game whose aim is to hit a very small ball into a very small hole, with weapons singularly ill-designed for the purpose.
Winston Churchill
Golf is good for the soul: you get so mad at yourself, you forget to hate your enemies.
Will Rogers
Golf is a game where guts, perseverance and blind devotion will net you absolutely nothing but an ulcer.
Tommy Bolt
For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball.
Dave Barry
If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt!
Dean Martin
At least he can't cheat on his score, all you have to do is look back down the fairway and count the wounded.
Bob Hope
I'd like to see narrower fairways. Then everybody would have to play from the rough, not just me.
Seve Ballesteros
I spend so much time in the woods, I can tell you which plants are edible.
Lee Trevino
If you call upon God to improve the result of a shot while it is still in motion, you are using an outside agency and are subject to penalty under the rules of golf.
Henry Longhurst
The most satisfying act in the world of golf is that of throwing a club.
Henry Longhurst
They called it golf because all the other four-letter words were taken.
Walter Hagen
Top soil !
Jonathan Smith
It's not whether you win or lose but whether I win or lose.
Sandy Lyle
The person I fear most in every round I play is myself.
Tom Watson
You get to know more of the character of a man in one round of golf than in six months of political experience.
Lloyd George
If you break 90, watch your golf. If you break 80, watch your business!
Joey Adams
Don't play too much golf. Two rounds per day are plenty.
Harry Vardon
No matter what the provocation, never strike a caddy with a driver. The sand wedge is far more effective.
Huxtable Pippey
Have you ever noticed what 'golf' spells backwards?
Al Boliska
They say golf is like life, but don't believe them. Golf is much more complicated.
Gardner Dickinson
Golf is not just a game, it's an adventure, a romance ... a Shakespeare play in which disaster and comedy are intertwined.
Harold Segall
Shot terminology
Some disparaging remarks, shot and situation descriptions to offer your opponent:
This page contains some adult themes and material that may offend. This is certainly not our intention so if you feel you may be offended, please do not read on but click here to return to our main page.
