Humour

Buttercups
Towards the end of his round, Bob sliced his ball in to the woods and found it nestled in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.  In trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing the head off just about every buttercup in the patch.  All of a sudden, in a puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared from nowhere.

"I'm Mother Nature!" she said.  "Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?  Just for doing what you have done, you will not have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life.  Better still, you will not have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life.  In fact, you will never have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!"

Then, with another puff of smoke, she was gone.  As Bob recovered from the shock, he called out to his friend, "Fred, where are you?"

Fred yelled back "I'm over here, in the pussy willows."

Bob immediately screamed "Don't swing Fred.  For the love of God, DON'T SWING!"


What's In A Name
A man went to a party one evening and after checking out all the well-dressed guests, he spotted a very attractive woman standing alone across the room.  He approached her and asked her name.

"Carmen", she replied, demurely.

Desperately trying to fire up a conversation, the man responded "That's beautiful, is it a family name?"

"No," she said, "I gave it to myself because it reflects the two things I like most in life - cars and men."  The she asked, "So what's your name?"

"Golftits!"


The Golfing Nun
A nun walks into her Mother Superior's office and slumps down into a chair.  She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

"What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."

"It was," sighed the Sister. "I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."

"Yes, I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"

"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"

"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"

"Well, we were on the fifth tee and this hole is a monster 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green.  I hit the drive of my life.  I absolutely creamed it, the sweetest swing I ever made.  So it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!"

"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother Superior. "How unfortunate, but surely that didn't make you blasphemous, Sister!"

"No, that wasn't it," admitted the Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"

"Oh, that would have made even me blaspheme!" said the Mother Superior.

"But that wasn't it either!" sobbed the Sister. "I was so proud of myself and while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky, grabs the squirrel and flies off with my ball still clutched in his paws!"

"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.

"Nope, not then either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel struggled and the hawk dropped him, right there on the green, the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said:

"You missed the f#*king putt, didn't you?"


Quotable quotes - here are some golfing quotes from various well-known, and lesser-known, individuals:

Shot terminology - some disparaging remarks, shot and situation descriptions to offer your opponent: